


Demons

by thefantasygoddess



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Eating Disorders, F/M, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-11-02 11:50:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20736686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefantasygoddess/pseuds/thefantasygoddess
Summary: Ben Hanscom should be in a good place. He has his dream job, the girl of his dreams and the perfect body? Well, to others. In his mind he is still the fat little boy from Derry, desperately trying to outrun his demons. Will he win? Or will they?





	Demons

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: eating disorder/mentions of drug abuse.

At first it was easy for Bev to overlook. She and Ben had such conflicting schedules that they rarely had time to eat together. And on the occasion that they did, Ben always had a plausible excuse and she never questioned it; or he simply stated that he had already eaten. They were incredibly happy together. Their lives were busy yet when they were together at night and they were able to reconnect, the sparks were always there. Ben was sensitive and loving and always tuned in to Beverly's needs before his own. He spoke softly and always stared deep into her soul when they had a conversation. 

She had not been used to this. The previous men she dated were narcissistic, sociopathic assholes who used her as a personal punching bag. She never thought she would escape that pattern. Although she escaped her father, she could still hear his voice in her head, his fingers gripping her arm.

“My Bevvy…”

Ben was the one who encouraged her to begin therapy for not only the trauma she went through with her dad and previous boyfriends, but also what she and the other losers went through with Pennywise. She had to admit that it truly helped. She felt better everyday although she would never be completely healed. No one is ever completely healed. And that included Ben.

Ben had returned home early. It was his house and Bev stayed over often, mainly on weekends. He wanted her there all the time. He tossed his keys onto the coffee table and immediately embraced Bev and kissed her softly on her forehead. He flopped down next to her on the couch where she had been reading. He pulled her close to him and let out a long breath.

“How was your day?” she asked. 

“Long. I pitched my design…”

“And…?”

Ben could not contain his grin.

“They loved it. Ate it right up.”

Bev broke into a smile way too big for her small face and she threw her arms around his neck. 

“I’m so proud of you! Let's go out and celebrate.”

Ben’s smile faded slightly. 

“I am pretty tired, Bev.”

“We won’t stay out late. Promise.”

And so they ended up at their favorite restaurant- well, Bev's favorite restaurant. 

Ben did not have one.

Beverly asked Ben all of the details of his pitch and he gladly told her.

The server came and placed their food in front of them.  
Bev had ordered a pan-seared salmon, doused with a creamy, lemon butter sauce. It was sprinkled with capers and fresh parsley. Smashed garlic potatoes and steamed veggies also surrounded her plate. 

The smell invaded Ben's nose and he looked down at his salad. Which may not have smelled so wonderful but it was most certainly safe. 

Bev crinkled her nose when he had ordered it but said nothing. She figured it would be a big enough salad to suffice as a meal, but was rather alarmed with how small it actually was.

“Ben,” she started. “That’s all you’re having?”

He gave a tiny smile.

“Bev,” he countered. “You know my cheat days are on Sundays.”

Her eyebrows raised.

“What cheat days?”

Silence followed and they began to eat.

Well, Bev began to eat. She kept offering Ben bites and he denied each one. He used his fork to push around the lettuce and condiments.

I’m sorry Bev,” he replied. He knew she was watching him.

“I just- I’m stressed. While everyone loved the project it is quite different than anything we have ever taken on before and-"

Before he could finish, Bev reached across the table and took hold of his hands. 

“I understand.”

Bev finished her dinner as Ben looked on, his salad untouched. 

\------

“I have a strange question…” began Beverly.

She had run into Richie at the store and they were now having a cup of coffee.

The losers were all reuniting again for Bill's birthday. After they defeated Pennywise, the remaining losers all agreed to try and stay in touch more often, and not always in Derry.

“When we all met up at that Chinese restaurant before going after Pennywise…did you notice if Ben ate anything?”

Richie thought for a moment. 

“We were all pretty wasted that night. It is hard to remember much of anything.”

“I think I’m just- well…we went out last night and he ordered a salad. He never touched it.”

“Pretty boy syndrome,” said Richie with a chuckle.

Beverly sighed.

“I’m sure I’m overreacting.” 

She had been tapping her fingers against the table, deep in thought.

“How have you been, Richie?”

Richie fell off the planet for awhile after Eddie’s death. He had been so traumatized from losing him that the losers were worried he would end up like Stan. 

“I’m alright. I guess you could say I’m halfway there.”  


Beverly smiled.

“Ben makes me so happy. I just hope he feels the same about me.”

Richie scoffed.

“Seriously Bev? That kid has been in love with you since we were thirteen!”

Beverly smiled.

January embers.

\------

Bev decided to surprise Ben with dinner. 

She made spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread. 

Ben came in and tossed his keys aside as always. He set his briefcase down and wrapped his arms around Beverly’s slender waste and began pressing soft kisses into her neck.

“I’m happy to see you.”

“Likewise,” she replied, craning her neck so she could kiss him on the nose. 

Ben stared at the food Bev was preparing and he was already formulating an excuse in his head but he knew better than to say it out loud. He had a feeling Bev was beginning to worry, beginning to notice. 

“You did not have to cook, Bev.”

“I wanted to.”

A few minutes later they both sat down and engaged in the usual discussion on how their days went. Beverly mentioned running into Richie. 

“I’m glad he was able to come back,” said Ben quietly.

“Me too,” agreed Bev. “He looked good.”

Ben suddenly felt the need to escape. But he knew he couldn't. Not with Bev right across from him.

Usually Ben was quiet after their usual discussion and they both sat in a comfortable silence.

But tonight, for whatever reason he spoke a lot, and fervently. Jumping from topic to topic.

This had been one of the better dinners they had shared at home in awhile. They both laughed and smiled at each other as though it were their first date again.

Beverly stood up to clear their plates but Ben jumped up first. 

“You cooked. I’ll clean up.”

He was careful to grab her plate and place it on top of his.

Beverly had been so distracted by how lively Ben was during dinner that she did not notice that he was doing a magic trick right in front of her. An act of illusion. He never ate a single bite of food. 

His plan had worked perfectly.

\------

Ben stared at himself in the mirror as he was getting ready. 

He could see the fat little boy he once was staring back at him. And in the back of his head a voice was constantly telling him he was not good enough, he did not deserve Bev. That he would eventually lose everything. That he was still that kid from Derry. Fat and alone. 

That is until he found the losers, who had all accepted him. But when they lost touch something in him had changed that summer. He was tired of being the fat kid. So he did something about it.

With his family preoccupied, it was easy to skip meals and ride his bike until the street lights came on. He was praised for his new figure as the pounds melted and his frame shrunk. He was slapped on the back and asked what he was doing differently. Girls began to notice him. Bullies stopped targeting him.

It was the answer to all of his troubles. It was his greatest weapon. His biggest secret. 

To this very day.

He began to do his tie and once he finished he pinched his cheeks.

How was it possible that he looked chubbier when he hadn't been eating. 

The thought of having dinner and drinks with the losers made him nervous. He had been able to evade eating when they reunited the first time two years ago; since they were all so distracted by how long it had been. They paid very little attention to him after the initial shock of how different he looked. How he had become thin. After that it was smooth sailing.

“Ben- you almost ready?” 

\------

The night went off without a hitch. They toasted to Bill, did shots and caught up with each other's lives. Bill and his wife ended up getting divorced, Mike was still in Derry despite many declarations of leaving. Richie was still doing stand up and had met someone, and Bev and Ben were as happy as could be. 

“So Ben how are those rock hard abs treating you?” asked Richie, as though they would go somewhere else. 

Ben blushed and flung some veggies at him.

“He works very hard,” replied Bev. 

“I have cheat days on Sundays,” he replied. 

“He means no cheat days,” corrected Bev.

“Sometimes,” he countered.

“Never,” she shot back.

They all continued their jolly banter until nearly 2am. Ben could fake being content and fulfilled. He could laugh with the others. He could fool them all.

He reveled in another successful night of avoiding food. Only this time someone had noticed.

\------

Ben had taken a personal day. He spent two hours at the gym and was now heading home to relax. As he got close he noticed Richie sitting on the front steps.

“Bev told me you took the day off. I was wondering if you wanted to grab some lunch before I have to leave. My flight takes off at 8.”

Ben was still in his work out clothes, sweat was coming out of every pore.

“I already ate. Thanks though. Want to come inside?”

Richie followed him into the house. He was impressed. Ben had done well for himself. It was decorated very modernly and pictures of he and Bev were spread sparingly. Both of them so happy, smiling wide, creases around their eyes. The losers assumed Bev would end up with Bill.

Richie walked to the fridge and opened it, hoping to grab a beer but it was empty. 

“I uh…probably should go grocery shopping.”

Richie sat down. 

“How are you doing Ben? I never really got to talk to you much last night.”

“I’m great. Yeah. I’m thinking of asking Bev to move in with me. I mean, she is here so often already but you know. Just to make things official.” 

Richie nodded.

“She’s worried about you Ben.”

Ben shrugged. 

“She asked me the other day if I noticed you eating when we first met up two years ago. At that Chinese restaurant, remember?”

Ben sat silent. 

“I mean. I did not notice then…but I did last night.”

“I’ve just been stressed. This new project is going to kill me.”

“I think it is a little more than that Ben. Don't you?”

Ben stared at his old friend. Dumbfounded. Then with anger. 

“Who are you to come into my house and-" 

Richie put up his hand to silence him.

“You are the only one I am telling this to. But I have been in and out of rehab since senior year of high school. I got hooked on heroin not long after we all parted ways. It is a hell of a drug. I used meth too. I was a mess, Ben. I mean…Stan killed himself. Bev, Bill, Mike…we all have problems. I think our problems that existed before Pennywise were intensified afterward.”

“Wow Rich, I had no idea…I’m sorry.”

“It got worse after Eddie died. But I’m 245 days sober.”

“That's great,” replied Ben. “I’m proud of you.”

“What I’m here to say is…there is nothing wrong with asking for help.”

“I appreciate your concern but I’m fine. Just because you did not see me eat on one occasion does not mean anything.”

“But it isn't just that Ben…you looked detached. So far away. Like you did not want to be there. At times you looked scared of the food. Of the drinks. What's going on man?”

“I’m just trying to stay in shape.”

“You’re running from that fat boy you used to be aren't you?”

“What if I am? Is that so bad?”

“Let me tell you something. That fat kid was one of the best friends I ever had. He was caring, smart and brave. There was absolutely nothing wrong with him. He was a loser, we all were. But we all had a connection, a bond unlike any other. A place to call home within each other.”

Ben smiled. 

“We were a crazy bunch.” 

“I just hope that…if you need it- you can ask for help…before things get too out of control like with me. I almost died. Multiple times. OD'd. Was nearly beaten to death over a bad drug deal…”

Ben watched Richie with concern. He had no idea things got that bad for him. None of the losers did.

“Eddie and I…he was my best friend. I developed feelings for him. I loved him. We kept in touch after everyone else lost touch. We spent a few nights together…just like when we were kids. It was always innocent. Until one night I kissed him and he kissed me back. After that our visits grew less frequent and not long after he got married. I did not see him again until we reunited two years ago.”

“Wow Rich, that is a lot to hold in…”

Richie turned to him. 

“You too.”

“Me?” questioned Ben, pointing to himself. 

“Look. I know eating disorders, Ben. I had one right before I met the losers. I also relapsed in college. It is a secretive thing. Very dangerous.”

Ben laughed. 

“I think you are highly mistaken.”

They sat in silence until Richie excused himself.

\------

The losers met up one last time before Richie, Mike and Bill all had to return home. Ben told Bev he was too tired to go out but for her to send his love. He sprawled out on his bed and found he was unable to stop thinking about what all Richie had said to him.

How preposterous.  
He did not need help.  
He was getting along just fine. 

Somewhere along the way he fell asleep and as he awoke he could hear the front door gently closing. He looked at his watch. 12:48 am. A few minutes later he heard the microwave beep.

Beverly kissed his head and set the food tray with steaming pasta on his lap.

“I figured you would be hungry…”

She figured wrong. 

“Richie told me he stopped by to see you.”

Ben stared at the food before him. 

Disgusting.

“I’m worried about you, Ben,” she said quietly. “I just kind of allowed myself to overlook this…I think because it was easier to believe this was not happening right in front of me. It was easier on me to believe you were okay. That every excuse you made was a legitimate one…”

“Beverly…”

“You need help, Ben.” 

“Beverly…”

She started to get choked up and tears ran down her face.

“Tonight really opened my eyes. You were not there…with us, the losers. Enjoying the food and company. In fact, I was horrified when I was unable to remember the last time you ever ate with me or anyone else. And the weight loss…I always attributed to stress. Or to your religiously scheduled work outs. You are taking it too far. How long has this been going on Ben?”

She was filled with guilt over not noticing it sooner. 

“I’m fine, Bev.”

“You were there for me when I needed help. You urged me to get into therapy. And I did. I listened.” 

“I’m listening, Bev.”

“Then call. Tomorrow. Get help.”

“But this project- I can't…”

“The project will have to wait.”

“I feel like you’re overreacting.”

“Then eat the pasta.”

“What?”

“Eat it.”

“Bev I’m too tired. I won't do it just to-"

“Won't or can't?”

“Beverly. It is late. Just come to bed.”

“Take a bite first.”

Ben opened his mouth to protest but nothing came out.

He stared at the plate of pasta, which still had steam rising from it.

Beverly shook her head sadly. 

Ben stood up, carefully balancing the food tray in his hands. He headed toward the kitchen where he stomped on the trash bin lever and angrily dumped the entire contents of pasta into it.

Not even caring that Bev watched from the hallway, an expression of anger on her face which soon morphed into concern. Her arms were crossed over her chest. 

“Good night, Bev.” He said sternly as he walked past her and crawled back into bed. 

They all had their demons, the losers. 

But it was apparent that some were harder to shake than others.


End file.
